Give Praise For Positive Behavior

No matter what is going on in your lives, it is important that you give your teenager praise for the things they do right. “Catch them being good” and let them know you recognize it. Many teens feel that everything they do is wrong (and often times it feels like this is the case), however, as the parent you want to make sure that they do not begin to see themselves as “all bad” or as a “bad kid”. By noting the positive and reinforcing that your teenager’s positive actions are an important part of them you will both improve their self esteem and promote more positive behaviors. We generally get more of whatever we are focusing on so…if you want more good…put some focus on the good.

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Talk...Don't Yell

This is often easier said than done as the parent of a teenager due to your level of frustration at times. Generally if someone is yelling, the other person tunes them out which is no different with your teenager. If you are screaming at them, they will likely scream back or shut down – both responses indicate that they are not hearing what you are saying and even if they hear your words, they are certainly not internalizing them. If you find yourself getting to the point where you are yelling or screaming, it is okay to say to your teenager, “I really don’t want to be yelling at you so I am going to take a little time to cool down and then I hope that we can discuss this respectfully”. This is teaching your teen positive communication skills instead of aggressive ones, showing them that you respect them and will likely make for a much more positive discussion.

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Just Talk With Your Teen

Many parents feel that they have lost touch with their teenager and that there is no communication between themselves and their teenager – and they are likely right. Many parents find that the only time they are talking to their teenager is to address difficult issues, to issue them consequences or to tell them the things they are doing wrong. It is good to talk about light subjects that are non-threatening and fun to discuss so that when the time comes to discuss the difficult issues, your teenager is more tolerant and comfortable. Talk about a TV show, the weather, music, what other relatives are doing, how your day was a work…really anything…what is important is that you are working to communicate with your teenager on an ongoing basis.

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Be The Parent....Even When It Is Really Difficult

Your job as a parent is very challenging and there are times when you have to make difficult and unpopular decisions, however, this is part of your role. It can be easy for parents to fall into the role of “friend” with their teenager because it feels better than always being the “bad guy”. While it is important for parents to support, listen to and encourage their teens, it is also important to be consistent, enforce the rules (even when unpopular) and withstand the heat from your teen who may rebel and tell you that you are doing it all wrong. Your teen cannot always see the longer term consequences of their decisions since they are typically about living in the moment. As their parent, it is your role to step in and make decisions that are in the best interest of their safety and well being.

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Listening and Talking To Your Teen

Teenagers today have more opportunities to make bad decisions than they did in years past – the world is a scarier place and it is easier for teens to access thing as well as for others to gain access to them. This is all the more reason that you must be a positive, consistent person in your teenager’s daily life. Listen to them without immediate judgment, lecturing or advising. If you are too quick to offer your advice or judge them, they are more likely to shut down because they will not feel heard which can be very important for teens. Even though they may never tell you, teens find comfort in knowing their parents are consistently there and accepting of them. Feeling this will decrease the chances that they will go elsewhere to seek this acceptance which often times can lead to significant problems.

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Allow Your Teen To Make Some Mistakes

It can be tempting to want to fix your teenagers mistakes and rescue them from any pain they may be experiencing, however, this is not always the most helpful route. We all make poor decisions at times and part of growing up and becoming a responsible adult is learning how to take responsibility for our mistakes. This is a valuable skill for your teen to learn while they are still younger and the stakes are generally not as high as they are for adults. If your teenager is experiencing the natural consequences of a poor decision they made, it is often helpful to allow them to experience those consequences and difficult feelings and to learn from their mistakes. Even if your instinct is to jump in and bail them out of a situation or to try to make the situation better for them, take a moment to think about whether they could learn a valuable lesson by your allowing them to manage the situation on their own. In addition, if you bail them out too many times they will always expect you to be there to rescue them, even when they are an adult, and that is not a situation you want to get into!

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Teens And Swearing

Some parents become very frustrated that their teenager is swearing and does not respond to their request to stop. Teens often minimize the impact swearing can have on others and rationalize this behavior by saying everyone does it, pointing out when you swear, saying it is not hurting anyone, etc. However, as we all know, swearing can put others off, create significant problems with school or work and is generally not socially acceptable so you are wise to work with your teen to eliminate this behavior. Some suggestions for extinguishing this behavior are:


1. Speaking with them calmly and respectfully about why this behavior is not acceptable in your home and let them know that you have the same “no swearing” expectation for everyone in the house. (of course, if you or another adult in the home swears regularly you will likely have a hard time with this and will likely not be able to get your teenager to stop swearing)

2. Create consequences for swearing that are fair, consistent and reasonable. Be clear with your teenager about what your expectations are and what the consequences will be for not following your expectations. (for more information about setting appropriate and enforceable consequences go to www.elite-life-coaching.com and look at the many newsletters with tips and action steps you can take)

3. Follow through! As always, this is the most critical step in effective parenting of teenagers.


Go to Elite Life Coaching for additional parenting resources and to get information on our coaching packages and specials!