Parenting Your Teen: The Consultant Parent

The Consultant Parent


A normal part of adolescent development is the shift from thinking in a very concrete manner to being able to think abstractly. Because there is significant development going on in the adolescent brain, it is a critical time to help shape behavior patterns and overall brain wiring. This change in thinking is one of the reasons why parents begin to notice that their teenagers start to question or resist things that were never questioned by them before.

Consultant Parents ask questions and offer choices to their teenagers whenever possible. The goal is to have teens engage in the decision making process when possible and in a safe manner so that they can learn and build upon decision making skills. Parents who are in a consultant role use “I” statements instead of “You” statements. For example, “I am wondering what you would think would be a reasonable curfew on a school night when there is an exam tomorrow” instead of “You will stay in and study since you are not getting good enough grades”. In addition to using “I” statements, consultants ask a lot of questions (not accusatory questions but rather curious questions) which foster thinking more than lectures will ever do.

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Parenting Your Teen: Are You Too Relaxed?

The Laissez-Faire Parent


This is not technically a parenting style, however, it is something I have seen often enough that it was worth mentioning. “Laissez-Faire Parents” are hands off with their teenagers and generally allow their teens to do whatever they wish to do. These are parents who may act like they are best friends with their teenager. This type of parenting can evolve from a parent’s need to feel well liked and loved by their teenager, out of guilt because they are always working or busy with other things, out of frustration and “giving up” or out of necessity due to emotional or substance abuse problems on the part of the parent. Teens are not able to make all their own decisions and not having guidance from parents ongoing can lead to the development of very poor decision making skills and potentially serious or dangerous consequences for these decisions.

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Parenting Your Teen: Are You A Drill Sergeant Parent?

Drill Sergeant Parents


If you think about the role of a drill sergeant, it is to give orders and tell others what to do and to punish those who do not follow exact orders. This is what “Drill Sergeant Parents” do with their teenagers. Drill Sergeant Parents believe that the more they discipline and control their teenagers, the better their children will turn out.

Teenagers of Drill Sergeant Parents never learn how to make their own decisions because their decisions are made for them in a demanding and sometimes very controlling manner. Punishment is often used for failure to follow expectations which, in teens, does not typically promote thoughtful reflection – it promotes resentment. Teenagers of Drill Sergeant Parents are not taught how to express themselves appropriately (because they are not given a chance) and never really learn about decision making or consequences for poor decisions because their parents control those aspects or their lives.

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Parenting Your Teen: Are You A Helicopter Parent

Helicopter Parents


If you think about the role of a helicopter it is to hover, watch, protect and rescue. This is what “Helicopter Parents” do with their teenagers. On the surface Helicopter Parents appear to be very involved and supportive of their teenagers, however, what ends up happening is that they do so much for their teenager that their teenagers don’t get to experience real life, worry, pain or consequences because their parents are jumping in and protecting them when difficult situations arise.

Helicopter Parents are very afraid of their children failing so they rescue them out of worry, guilt or because they want to be needed by their children. These parents are genuinely concerned and love their children, however, they prevent their children from becoming responsible because they are always there as a safety net. Parents who continue to drive their teenagers to school when they repeatedly wake up late and miss the bus or who continue to give their teenagers extra money when they overspend their allowance or money from a part time job are considered Helicopter Parents.

The teens of these parents never learn what it is like to have to make up for their mistakes or experience discomfort because they made poor decisions. The bigger problem arises when the “helicopter” is no longer in their lives and all of the sudden they are adults who have no concept of what it means to be truly responsible for themselves.

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Teenage Tips For Safety On The Internet And With Social Media

As we all know, technology is a wonderful thing but can also be dangerous when users are not informed.  As a parent, it is critical that you offer your teenager education on the dangers associated with using technology.  Below are some tips for parents of teenagers:
1. Educate your teen about the permanency of their messages and photos. Make sure your teenagers know that their messages never go away (even when deleted) and that they can come back and haunt them in the near or distant future so that they are more likely to think about what they are sending before actually sending it. Make sure that they are aware that messages can be forwarded to many, many people and remind them not to say anything that could come back to haunt them.  Photos can also be cut and pasted from your teen's site and used on other site that individuals create.

2. Remind your teen to not open links or attachments unless they know who they are from. Often times these contain pornographic photos or content or could generate junk emails or inappropriate emails to their account.
3. Randomly check who your teen is communicating with. In most instances, parents have purchased or are paying for their teenager’s computers or phones so they absolutely have a right to be checking them. At least 1/3 of teens report that their parent would not approve of all that they are doing online. If they are using their computer or phone inappropriately then, as the parent, you should take it away until they can adhere to your expectations.

4. Put your computer in a public place if possible. Doing this will automatically increase your ability to supervise your teenagers email and IM activity.

5. Set clear expectations and follow through. Be very clear with your teenager about what they can and cannot do with their computer and/or phone and about what your oversight will be. They may tell you that you don’t understand and that nobody else has restrictions on their computer use, however, you have every right to set up clear rules and guidelines for your teenager. Some parents restrict use until homework is done, take away certain features if grades fall (i.e. no text messaging on their phone) or set expectations that their teenager not erase any history on their phone or computer so that it can be checked regularly.

6. Educate your teenager about not sharing personal information with people they do not know. Make sure your teen knows never to share their address or detailed information about themselves with people they do not know. In addition, make sure they do not share any information related to your finances, banking information, etc. which could result in identify theft.
7. Let them know you are there. Let your teenager know that they can come to you if they are worried or have questions about anything. Many times teens won’t seek support and will get themselves into more trouble because they are afraid to let someone know what is happening. Reminding them that you are there to help and support them may make a difference should a time arise when they are scared or worried and really need your support.


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Communication: Using "Active Listening" With Your Teenager

Using Active Listening with them will increase the chances they will use it with you! By actively listening you are letting your teenager know that you are interested in what they have to say and that they are important. In order to do this, you should stop doing anything else that you are doing and focus on your teenager. You should really listen to what they are saying and not be thinking about your response to them or thinking about what is for dinner. They will know the difference and will know when you have truly turned into what they are saying. By modeling this skill for them they will feel important and may also learn how to use active listening themselves.



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Drugs and Alcohol and Teens

Many parents of teenagers worry about whether they are experimenting with or abusing drugs and/or alcohol and I often get questions from parents about what signs and symptoms to look for. I have included a list below which includes many warning signs of potential substance abuse by teenagers. Please remember, if you sees these symptoms in your teen it does not automatically mean they are abusing substances, however, it is indication that something could be wrong and you should seek further evaluation either with your child’s doctor or a licensed therapist:


• Loss of interest in activities

• Withdrawl from family members / friends

• Change in group of friends

• Mood swings

• Anger outbursts or irritability

• Forgetfulness

• Truancy and/or grades dropping

• Breaking rules / increased defiance or disrespect

• Changes in sleep or appetite

• Paranoia

• Increase in amount of sickness or cold-like symptoms

• Red / glossy eyes

• Changes in physical appearance (not as “neat looking”, poor hygiene)

• Sneaky behaviors




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Parenting Teens Is Not Easy

Remember…you are doing this without a guidebook, rulebook or instructional manual and there will be some trial and error. This is normal so don’t be too hard on yourself! What is important is that if something does not seem to be working that you acknowledge it and work to make improvements whether on your own or with the support of others.

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Messy Room? How To Get Your Teen To Clean It!

Many parents become extremely frustrated because their teenager’s room is always a mess. I have heard of parents who take the time to go in and clean their room for them from floor to ceiling only to see it become a mess again in a few days. Teens and messy rooms is a source of conflict for many, many parents since often times teenagers don’t care if their rooms are messy. Sometimes, increasing a teens’ motivation to keep their room clean (or at least semi-clean) makes a big difference. To do this, it is important to think about what motivates them – is it having their computer in their room, being able to have friends over, having you give them rides places, being able to use the car? Next, think about how you can use this to increase their motivation – perhaps they cannot keep their computer in their room unless they show they are able to take care of the other things in their room. Perhaps they are not allowed to have friends over unless they are able to keep their room looking presentable. Or maybe, you tell them that you are not able to give them rides if they cannot maintain their room on their own. Take some time to think about this and figure out what may work with your teenager and then let them know the approach you will be taking so that they first have an opportunity to clean their room before losing one of their privileges.

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What If I Don't "Like" My Teen?

Do you ever feel like you don’t “like” your teenager? If so, you likely also feel very guilty for even thinking like this. If you have had or are having this thought, you are not alone. When parents feel that they do not “like” their teens it is because they are overwhelmed, frustrated and feel disrespected. Generally parents in this situation love their teens very much which is what causes the strong emotions to arise. As a parent, you want what is best for your teenager and when you see them living in opposition to your values and rules, it can cause you to really not want to be around them or to have a lot of anger towards them. If you are feeling like this, try sitting down and making a list of the things you like about them and the things they are doing that you don’t like. This will help put things in perspective and will remind you that what you don’t like is their behaviors rather than their whole being. Reframing your feelings and understanding that you don’t like their behaviors (rather than not liking them as a person) can help with your overall frustration level and can eliminate the guilt you may be feeling if having negative emotions towards your teen.

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Don't Sweat The Small Stuff

Don’t sweat the small stuff. If you notice that it seems like you are fighting with your teen constantly, it may be because you are so frustrated with your teen that you are critical or disapproving of almost everything they do. In a calm moment, think about what things you argue about that you can let go for now in an effort to decrease the overall tension and conflict in your house. For example, you likely want to stand firm with your rules about curfew but maybe can let go of arguing about whether they make their bed every day. Try thinking about this for a bit and see what you can come up with.

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Teens and Summer

Summer vacation can be stressful – especially in the hot weather when everyone becomes a little more “cranky”. Parents often struggle with what to do with their teenagers because they don’t want them sitting around the house all summer watching TV or playing video games but also don’t want them out without any structure. Try to help them create a balance and help build in some structure for them. Try to schedule times when they should be out being active – either at a gym (many have summer memberships), as part of a sporting league, with neighborhood friends, or even with you going for a walk or riding bikes. Encourage that they do some sort of physical activity regularly. Physical activity is the best medicine for improving negative moods and for staying fit mentally and physically. Also – try to periodically plan special things you can do as a family – go to a beach, a pool, a park, to visit with relatives, etc. Try to plan some family field trips to offer them some variety in their schedules as well as to allow for positive time together. Finally, know that it is normal for teens to want to sleep, to get lost in TV or video games or to just want to “hang out” sometime and that this is fine – you should just keep an eye on their overall balance to make sure that they are getting enough social interaction and physical activity.

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Be The Parent....Even When It Is Really Difficult

Your job as a parent is very challenging and there are times when you have to make difficult and unpopular decisions, however, this is part of your role. It can be easy for parents to fall into the role of “friend” with their teenager because it feels better than always being the “bad guy”. While it is important for parents to support, listen to and encourage their teens, it is also important to be consistent, enforce the rules (even when unpopular) and withstand the heat from your teen who may rebel and tell you that you are doing it all wrong. Your teen cannot always see the longer term consequences of their decisions since they are typically about living in the moment. As their parent, it is your role to step in and make decisions that are in the best interest of their safety and well being.

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Ready For Summer?

Many parent don’t see summer “vacation” as a vacation at all! Parents often worry about the amount of unstructured time their children have during the summer break. Some suggestions to help ease your mind and to help structure your teens’ time during the summer break are:


1. Have them get a part time job – depending on what they are willing to do, some teens as young as 14 are able to find jobs babysitting, mowing lawns, as camp counselors, etc.

2. Give them household jobs they are responsible for – it helps if you offer them a little cash incentive but think of things around the house that you would like to get done but never have time for and make a list for your teen (washing the windows, weeding the garden, cleaning the oven, washing / detailing the cars, etc)

3. Have your teen find volunteer work. This is a great way to teach civic responsibility while also building in structure to your teen’s summer. Be creative and think about any volunteer opportunities that may tie into their strengths and interests.

4. Have them join a sports league, a dance team, a music group, etc.

5. Look for local camps. Often time there are ½ day camps so that they can attend camp in the morning and still have their afternoons free.

While it is important for teens to have some down time, it is also important that they do not sleep all day, sit around in front of the TV or computer all day and that they feel like they are doing something worthwhile during the summer months. The earlier you set your expectations, the less resistance you will get when the time comes!


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Is Your Teen Old Enough To Be Left Home Along?

Although scary, many parents are able to leave their teenagers home alone without a lot of worry while others cringe at the thought. Below are some things to think about when making the decision whether to leave your teenager home alone:


1. Are they typically responsible and do they typically follow your rules?

2. Do they demonstrate self control most of the time?

3. Is your neighborhood safe?

4. Is your teenager comfortable being home alone and understand the dangers of letting others in or opening the door for others?

5. Is your teenager responsible enough to not leave the stove on, etc?

6. Does your teenager respect your private place in the home so that they are not likely to go through your personal things in your bedroom or home office?

7. Are you confident your teenager will call you if needing something or if there is a problem?

8. What does your gut tell you about leaving your teenager home alone – are they really ready?


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Don't Make Empty Threats

Don’t make meaningless threats with your teenagers. Every parent falls into this sometimes but it is important to try not to do this because it invalidates you and causes your teenager to not take what you are saying seriously. Don’t tell your teen you will ground them in their room for a month – the reality is that this is impossible and you will not be able to follow through. Make sure that when you are discussing consequences with your teenager that you are confident you CAN and WILL follow through with them.

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Teens And Lies

Are you concerned that your teen lies a lot? Or even if not telling blatant lies, that they tell half-truths, omit information, provide confusing information or pretend they don’t recall the facts? This can be very frustrating to say the least. If you feel your teenager is lying a lot, you should address it head on. Let them know that it upsets you and disappoints you because you want to have an open and trusting relationship with them. Be clear with them what the consequences for lying will be and make sure you follow through with these consequences consistently.

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Rules And Consequences - Involve Your Teen

Have you ever tried to include your teenager in establishing fair rules and consequences? Sometimes this is really powerful and significantly reduces arguments when rules are broken. If doing this, it should be during a calm time when the whole family can sit together and be thoughtful. Most importantly, whether rules and consequences are created with or without your teenager, it is important that you are always consistent and that your teen is clear about what is OK and what is not OK before the rules are broken.

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Parenting With Your Ex

Being able to co-parent a teenager following a divorce or separation can be very difficult, however, it is really important that you and your ex are able to work cooperatively in the eyes of your teen. Sometimes communicating via a neutral party or via email or text is easier for ex-partners than trying to have ongoing conversations. Remember to always do what is best for your child, not what is best for you. Your child wants to have a positive relationship with both their parents and it is important that both parents allow for and support this which may mean making compromises or not “winning” certain disagreements. Putting your child first will pay off in the long run and you will spare them the lasting and sometimes significant effects of being placed in the middle of a divorce.

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Parents Need Time Outs Too!

Parents need time outs too! There are inevitably times when you will have a strong reaction, feel overwhelmed or feel “out of control” due to your teen’s behaviors. In such situations, it can be very helpful to take a time out. You might go for a walk, go in the bathroom and take a bath or run cold water on your face, go for a drive, go to a quiet place in the house and read a book – the important things is that you take a break from whatever is causing the stress so that you can feel calmer before reacting or responding to the situation. Doing this will make your response more appropriate and meaningful to your teen.

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