Parenting Your Teen: The Consultant Parent

The Consultant Parent


A normal part of adolescent development is the shift from thinking in a very concrete manner to being able to think abstractly. Because there is significant development going on in the adolescent brain, it is a critical time to help shape behavior patterns and overall brain wiring. This change in thinking is one of the reasons why parents begin to notice that their teenagers start to question or resist things that were never questioned by them before.

Consultant Parents ask questions and offer choices to their teenagers whenever possible. The goal is to have teens engage in the decision making process when possible and in a safe manner so that they can learn and build upon decision making skills. Parents who are in a consultant role use “I” statements instead of “You” statements. For example, “I am wondering what you would think would be a reasonable curfew on a school night when there is an exam tomorrow” instead of “You will stay in and study since you are not getting good enough grades”. In addition to using “I” statements, consultants ask a lot of questions (not accusatory questions but rather curious questions) which foster thinking more than lectures will ever do.

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Do You Have A Short Fuse

It’s easy to lose your patience quickly when there have been several troubling behaviors, when there has been a lot of arguing or questioning of your authority or when you are just plain exhausted. If you are noticing that you have a “short fuse”, try to explore what may be at the root of it and address it if you can. In the meantime, allow yourself time to relax and set limits on others so that you are not feeling as overwhelmed. Some suggestions for doing this include: saying “no” to someone who asks you for a favor, going for a short walk by yourself, asking others for help or giving yourself time out alone or with adult friends.

Go to Elite Life Coaching for additional parenting resources and to get information on our coaching packages and specials!

Be The Parent....Even When It Is Really Difficult

Your job as a parent is very challenging and there are times when you have to make difficult and unpopular decisions, however, this is part of your role. It can be easy for parents to fall into the role of “friend” with their teenager because it feels better than always being the “bad guy”. While it is important for parents to support, listen to and encourage their teens, it is also important to be consistent, enforce the rules (even when unpopular) and withstand the heat from your teen who may rebel and tell you that you are doing it all wrong. Your teen cannot always see the longer term consequences of their decisions since they are typically about living in the moment. As their parent, it is your role to step in and make decisions that are in the best interest of their safety and well being.

Go to Elite Life Coaching for additional parenting resources and to get information on our coaching packages and specials!

Allow Your Teen To Make Some Mistakes

It can be tempting to want to fix your teenagers mistakes and rescue them from any pain they may be experiencing, however, this is not always the most helpful route. We all make poor decisions at times and part of growing up and becoming a responsible adult is learning how to take responsibility for our mistakes. This is a valuable skill for your teen to learn while they are still younger and the stakes are generally not as high as they are for adults. If your teenager is experiencing the natural consequences of a poor decision they made, it is often helpful to allow them to experience those consequences and difficult feelings and to learn from their mistakes. Even if your instinct is to jump in and bail them out of a situation or to try to make the situation better for them, take a moment to think about whether they could learn a valuable lesson by your allowing them to manage the situation on their own. In addition, if you bail them out too many times they will always expect you to be there to rescue them, even when they are an adult, and that is not a situation you want to get into!

Go to Elite Life Coaching for additional parenting resources and to get information on our coaching packages and specials!

Being Supportive To Your Teenager

There are many tips and ways of being supportive to your teen which will continue to be shared in this blog. Below are three that are very important and that can really make a difference in your overall relationship with your teen.


1. Validate them – let them know that you understand and that you can appreciate what they are experiencing.

2. Empathize – let them know that you understand the emotions they are feeling and know that they are real and often times very painful or difficult.

3. Show them unconditional love - even when they are trying your patience or when they have made a poor decision, let them know that you love them and always will.


For more details on how to develop these skills check out www.elite-life-coaching.com and look at the many newsletters with practical tips about how to use these skills with your teenager.


Go to Elite Life Coaching for additional parenting resources and to get information on our coaching packages and specials!

Ready For Summer?

Many parent don’t see summer “vacation” as a vacation at all! Parents often worry about the amount of unstructured time their children have during the summer break. Some suggestions to help ease your mind and to help structure your teens’ time during the summer break are:


1. Have them get a part time job – depending on what they are willing to do, some teens as young as 14 are able to find jobs babysitting, mowing lawns, as camp counselors, etc.

2. Give them household jobs they are responsible for – it helps if you offer them a little cash incentive but think of things around the house that you would like to get done but never have time for and make a list for your teen (washing the windows, weeding the garden, cleaning the oven, washing / detailing the cars, etc)

3. Have your teen find volunteer work. This is a great way to teach civic responsibility while also building in structure to your teen’s summer. Be creative and think about any volunteer opportunities that may tie into their strengths and interests.

4. Have them join a sports league, a dance team, a music group, etc.

5. Look for local camps. Often time there are ½ day camps so that they can attend camp in the morning and still have their afternoons free.

While it is important for teens to have some down time, it is also important that they do not sleep all day, sit around in front of the TV or computer all day and that they feel like they are doing something worthwhile during the summer months. The earlier you set your expectations, the less resistance you will get when the time comes!


Go to Elite Life Coaching for additional parenting resources and to get information on our coaching packages and specials!

Teaching Teens Responsibility

Give your teenagers responsibility. Make sure they have household responsibilities or chores which they are expected to do consistently and for which they are appreciated. Praise your teen for doing their chores consistently which will motivate them to do them ongoing and also improve their sense of belonging and purpose in the home. Teens want to feel important and need to learn what it means to have a commitment and follow through. Teaching this lesson within the home is a great way to begin to instill a sense of responsibility in your teenager.

Go to Elite Life Coaching for additional parenting resources and to get information on our coaching packages and specials!

Teenage Depression

Be aware of some of the more common signs of teenage depression (just because your teen has some of these symptoms does not necessarily mean they are depressed, however, these symptoms likely warrant further investigation): Sadness, anger, irritability, moodiness, loss of energy, withdrawing from people or things they used to enjoy, feelings of worthlessness, missing school, “not caring” anymore about school or personal appearance, somatic complaints. If your teenager is having thoughts of death or suicide you should seek professional support and help immediately and not try to manage this type of situation on your own. If they are experiencing some of the other symptoms mentioned, try to talk with them about what they are experiencing in a supportive manner. If needed, speak with a professional or their doctor to make sure they are not in need of professional support.

Go to Elite Life Coaching for additional parenting resources and to get information on our coaching packages and specials!

They Are Not "Bad Kids"

Don’t ever tell your teen they are a “bad kid”. In addition, don’t treat them like they are a “bad kid”. If your teen believes this is how you feel about them, they will live up to (or in this case, down to) your expectation and they will play the role of a “bad kid”. No matter how hard things get or how frustrating their behaviors are, you should continue to notice the positives in them. They will sense that you do not look down on them and that you still see their positive qualities. It can make a huge difference in their overall self perception and identity, even if they are having some other difficulties.

Go to Elite Life Coaching for additional parenting resources and to get information on our coaching packages and specials!

Get To Know Their Friends and Connect

Invite your teenager’s friends to dinner. This is a great way to connect with your teenager and also to let them know that you are interested in what is important to them. It is important to make sure you do not embarrass your teenager with too many questions or embarrassing stories from their past when meeting their friends (and remember, they are very sensitive!) or else they will make sure they keep their friends away in the future.