Emotional Dysregulation In Teenage Girls

Emotional dysregulation takes place when the response of an individual does not appear to be “appropriate” for a particular situation.  This often looks like an “over reaction” to a situation or a prolonged emotional response to a situation.  Emotional dysregulation is not uncommon for adolescent girls and generally plays out in the safety of the home which results in you, as the parent, more often than not being on the receiving end of it. 

Some techniques to try when your teenage daughter appears very emotional:


1. Validation: let your daughter know that you understand she is upset (even if you don’t understand why) and that you know it must be difficult for her to be that upset.
2. Remain calm: this can be very difficult – Speaking in an even, calm voice often results in the other person lowering their voice and calming down.

3. Take space: if you feel yourself ready to blow, there is no reason why you cannot take space for yourself.
4. Don’t feel you have to defend yourself: your teenage daughter may accuse you of things that are not true, say things that are hurtful or exaggerate situations. As the parent, you do not need to help them rationalize these things during an emotional moment.  If you feel it is important to explain yourself (and often times it is not) then it is better to wait and do this during a time when emotions are under control.

5. Teach your daughter calming techniques during non emotional times: it is often helpful for parents to talk to their daughters about ways of remaining calmer during times when things are going well.

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Take Time For Family

Some families find themselves so busy during the school year that week after week goes by and they can't even remember really spending any quality time together.  Some of my clients have found it helpful to schedule in a night out of the week as "family night".  This could be a Friday night or if possible, even a weekday night.  On this night, families identify something they will do together as a family that is somewhat different than their typical routine.  Maybe a  "make your own pizza night" or some other special cooking night where all family members pitch in and cook as a team.  Maybe a game night or a night where there is a TV show on that everyone enjoys.  An hour or two weekly doing something special as a family can help keep everyone connected and can also help create a special tradition that your teens will always remember. 

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Encourage Your Teen's Learning

Although you likely have multiple things on your "To Do" list at any given time, taking a few minutes on a regular basis to express interest in your teen's school work can go a long way.  Although they may not want to talk to you much about it, by asking what they are learing about and praising their studying, you are reinforcing their study skills.  Even though they rarely say it, teens want approval from their parents and by your showing interest in and praising thier school work, you are reinforcing their committment to continue to apply themselves ongoing. 

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Don't Act Out Of Strong Emotion

This can be extremely difficult when your teenager pushes your buttons or makes a decision which is harmful or highly inappropriate. As a parent who cares deeply about their child, of course you are going to be emotional (angry, scared, disappointed, frustrated) when these things happen which is normal and not a problem at all. What does sometimes become a problem is when parents act out of these strong emotions. In these situations parents often times say things that they later regret, however, even with an apology, their teen who already has insecure and fragile self esteem will hang onto the emotional response which can damage the parent – teen relationship. It is better to take time to calm down, gather your thoughts (even write them down so that you remain on track when speaking with your teenager) and then speak with your teenager about the situation.


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