- Is my teenager generally responsible?
- Does my teenager generally make healthy decisions?
- Do I know at least a little about my teen’s boyfriend or girlfriend?
- Do I think my teenager will let me know if something is wrong?
- Does my teenager generally have good boundaries and decent self esteem?
- What parameters can I put in place to allow my teen a little freedom which can gradually increase as we feel this situation out further?
Showing posts with label parenting advice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting advice. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Teenage Dating: Questions To consider
One concern I have heard voiced by parents of teens who are beginning to date is how much freedom they should give their teenager and should they allow their teenager and their boyfriend / girlfriend to ever be alone. Both questions are tricky and somewhat specific to each family’s situation. Some things to keep in mind when making this decision in your situation are:
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Conflict Among Parents
Despite how difficult such situations are, it is critical that parents do not let their children witness their conflicts. I cannot tell you the number of children who I have seen for therapy who are emotionally damaged and extremely confused because their parents constantly argue and say negative, rude and disrespectful things about one another. I am not suggesting that it is easy to keep all of these emotions to oneself, however, these emotions should be shared with other adults or professionals and not with one’s children.
Some tips for parenting if you are a parent in this situation:
1. Speaking with the other parent: if you know that you become easily emotionally charged when speaking with your child’s other parent then it is important that you have these conversations when not in the presence of your child. It is never in a teenagers best interest to witness situations where parents become negative, yell, say negative things or become verbally abusive towards one another. The damage from this can last years and can even impact your child’s ability to form healthy, trusting relationships as an adult.
2. Feeling like the other parent is undermining what you are trying to do: often times in these situations a dynamic gets set up where there is a “good parent” and a “bad parent”. Generally the “good parent” lets their teenager do what they want and does not have a lot of rules or consequences while the “bad parent” attempts to maintain rules and structure for their teenager. In these situations, it is really important that both parents figure out a way to come to SOME agreement about rules and expectations. Sometimes this can be done through a third party (therapist, friend, etc) which can eliminate conflict – what is important though is that it is done. When going through this process, pick the things that really matter and allow yourself to let some other things go. For example: it would be important for parents to agree that their teen must be getting passing grades and send this message consistently to their teenager while it may be okay for parents to not agree on how neat their teenager needs to keep their room in each of their homes if they are living separately.
3. Feeling like your teenager should know what the other parent is doing or did: parents often feel like it is important for their teenager to know that the other parent only visits with them because they are mandated to do so or that they are not paying what they are supposed to be paying each month. In some situations, parents feel like they need to tell their teenager all the awful things that the other parent did to them. In these situations, who is really benefiting from your telling your teenager these things? Usually, it is the parent who is benefiting because they are reacting to strong, negative emotions they are feeling. What I have found over the years is that in the end, teenagers and young adults know what is going on and ultimately know which parent is consistent and which one is not. In addition, I have found that teenagers become very resentful of parents who bad mouth one another (even if what is being said is true) because it causes them a lot of confusion and feelings of betrayal by both parents. Teenagers will figure this out over time and will be much better off if they see that their two parents are able to be civil and respectful of one another while in their presence.
Of course if you ever truly believe someone is doing something that harmful, illegal or significantly damaging to your child you should take immediate steps to make sure your child is safe.
Some tips for parenting if you are a parent in this situation:
1. Speaking with the other parent: if you know that you become easily emotionally charged when speaking with your child’s other parent then it is important that you have these conversations when not in the presence of your child. It is never in a teenagers best interest to witness situations where parents become negative, yell, say negative things or become verbally abusive towards one another. The damage from this can last years and can even impact your child’s ability to form healthy, trusting relationships as an adult.
2. Feeling like the other parent is undermining what you are trying to do: often times in these situations a dynamic gets set up where there is a “good parent” and a “bad parent”. Generally the “good parent” lets their teenager do what they want and does not have a lot of rules or consequences while the “bad parent” attempts to maintain rules and structure for their teenager. In these situations, it is really important that both parents figure out a way to come to SOME agreement about rules and expectations. Sometimes this can be done through a third party (therapist, friend, etc) which can eliminate conflict – what is important though is that it is done. When going through this process, pick the things that really matter and allow yourself to let some other things go. For example: it would be important for parents to agree that their teen must be getting passing grades and send this message consistently to their teenager while it may be okay for parents to not agree on how neat their teenager needs to keep their room in each of their homes if they are living separately.
3. Feeling like your teenager should know what the other parent is doing or did: parents often feel like it is important for their teenager to know that the other parent only visits with them because they are mandated to do so or that they are not paying what they are supposed to be paying each month. In some situations, parents feel like they need to tell their teenager all the awful things that the other parent did to them. In these situations, who is really benefiting from your telling your teenager these things? Usually, it is the parent who is benefiting because they are reacting to strong, negative emotions they are feeling. What I have found over the years is that in the end, teenagers and young adults know what is going on and ultimately know which parent is consistent and which one is not. In addition, I have found that teenagers become very resentful of parents who bad mouth one another (even if what is being said is true) because it causes them a lot of confusion and feelings of betrayal by both parents. Teenagers will figure this out over time and will be much better off if they see that their two parents are able to be civil and respectful of one another while in their presence.
Of course if you ever truly believe someone is doing something that harmful, illegal or significantly damaging to your child you should take immediate steps to make sure your child is safe.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Single Parents Of Teenagers
While being the single parent of a teenager can be very challenging, there are some fairly simple steps you can take to help reduce the overall stress.
1. Make sure you take time for yourself.
It is very easy to get caught up in all the demands of work, family, appointments, etc. but it is critical that you take time EACH week for yourself. Whether taking walks, a warm bath, having a favorite hobby or going out for dinner with a friend, you need some time for yourself where you are not responsible for the needs of others.
2. Schedule a time to discuss bigger issues / decisions with your teenager.
This can help the “on the fly” demands that your teenager may place on you. I have worked with parents who have found it helpful to schedule one or two times per week where they are available to just focus on talking with their teens. This could be over dinner, while going for a walk or while driving to a schedule appointment. I have also had parents tell me they have their teenager email or text message them if they need to talk so that they can set up a time later in the day that is convenient for both (this is a sign of the times!). This allows for the conversation to take place when they can be fully focused on their teenager’s needs.
3. Allow other adults into your teenager’s life.
All parents, but particularly single parents, should welcome appropriate adults into their teenager’s lives. This should not been seen as a weakness or as a sign that a parent cannot do “their job” effectively. Teens benefit from different perspectives and from learning from different adults. Allowing other adults (a coach, neighbor, Aunt, Uncle, older cousin, etc) to play a role in your teenagers life not only takes some of the burden off you but also allows them to have a richer experience in general. You will always still be the parent and make the final decisions!
4. Have your own support network.
Nobody can do everything on their own. As a single parent, it is important that you have your own support network. As a parent, you don’t want to burden your children with your fears or worries but you do need some outlet for yourself. Using extended family, friends or other single parents for support and advice is invaluable and can really help reduce your overall stress. Being socially connected to others has many positive benefits for all adults and can be especially helpful during the unpredictable teenager years.
Go to Elite Life Coaching for additional parenting resources, to sign up for our newsletter and to get information on our coaching packages and specials!
1. Make sure you take time for yourself.
It is very easy to get caught up in all the demands of work, family, appointments, etc. but it is critical that you take time EACH week for yourself. Whether taking walks, a warm bath, having a favorite hobby or going out for dinner with a friend, you need some time for yourself where you are not responsible for the needs of others.
2. Schedule a time to discuss bigger issues / decisions with your teenager.
This can help the “on the fly” demands that your teenager may place on you. I have worked with parents who have found it helpful to schedule one or two times per week where they are available to just focus on talking with their teens. This could be over dinner, while going for a walk or while driving to a schedule appointment. I have also had parents tell me they have their teenager email or text message them if they need to talk so that they can set up a time later in the day that is convenient for both (this is a sign of the times!). This allows for the conversation to take place when they can be fully focused on their teenager’s needs.
3. Allow other adults into your teenager’s life.
All parents, but particularly single parents, should welcome appropriate adults into their teenager’s lives. This should not been seen as a weakness or as a sign that a parent cannot do “their job” effectively. Teens benefit from different perspectives and from learning from different adults. Allowing other adults (a coach, neighbor, Aunt, Uncle, older cousin, etc) to play a role in your teenagers life not only takes some of the burden off you but also allows them to have a richer experience in general. You will always still be the parent and make the final decisions!
4. Have your own support network.
Nobody can do everything on their own. As a single parent, it is important that you have your own support network. As a parent, you don’t want to burden your children with your fears or worries but you do need some outlet for yourself. Using extended family, friends or other single parents for support and advice is invaluable and can really help reduce your overall stress. Being socially connected to others has many positive benefits for all adults and can be especially helpful during the unpredictable teenager years.
Go to Elite Life Coaching for additional parenting resources, to sign up for our newsletter and to get information on our coaching packages and specials!
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Parenting Your Teen: The Consultant Parent
The Consultant Parent
A normal part of adolescent development is the shift from thinking in a very concrete manner to being able to think abstractly. Because there is significant development going on in the adolescent brain, it is a critical time to help shape behavior patterns and overall brain wiring. This change in thinking is one of the reasons why parents begin to notice that their teenagers start to question or resist things that were never questioned by them before.
Consultant Parents ask questions and offer choices to their teenagers whenever possible. The goal is to have teens engage in the decision making process when possible and in a safe manner so that they can learn and build upon decision making skills. Parents who are in a consultant role use “I” statements instead of “You” statements. For example, “I am wondering what you would think would be a reasonable curfew on a school night when there is an exam tomorrow” instead of “You will stay in and study since you are not getting good enough grades”. In addition to using “I” statements, consultants ask a lot of questions (not accusatory questions but rather curious questions) which foster thinking more than lectures will ever do.
Go to Elite Life Coaching for additional parenting resources, to sign up for our newsletter and to get information on our coaching packages and specials!
A normal part of adolescent development is the shift from thinking in a very concrete manner to being able to think abstractly. Because there is significant development going on in the adolescent brain, it is a critical time to help shape behavior patterns and overall brain wiring. This change in thinking is one of the reasons why parents begin to notice that their teenagers start to question or resist things that were never questioned by them before.
Consultant Parents ask questions and offer choices to their teenagers whenever possible. The goal is to have teens engage in the decision making process when possible and in a safe manner so that they can learn and build upon decision making skills. Parents who are in a consultant role use “I” statements instead of “You” statements. For example, “I am wondering what you would think would be a reasonable curfew on a school night when there is an exam tomorrow” instead of “You will stay in and study since you are not getting good enough grades”. In addition to using “I” statements, consultants ask a lot of questions (not accusatory questions but rather curious questions) which foster thinking more than lectures will ever do.
Go to Elite Life Coaching for additional parenting resources, to sign up for our newsletter and to get information on our coaching packages and specials!
Saturday, October 30, 2010
5 FINAL Tips for Reducing Arguing With Your Teenager
1. Remain sitting if at all possible when your teen is arguing with you – this will help them feel less threatened and view you as being calmer which may work to help them calm down as well.
2. Try not to take things personally. Often teens will say hurtful and mean things to parents which is not acceptable or okay in my opinion. Despite this, it is important that parents do not respond out of emotion. It is more helpful for parents to let their teen know how their words impacted them and that it is not acceptable during a non-emotional time rather than to try to tackle this issue when your teen is already upset and not listening to you. Using tip 10 can be effective at this point in an argument.
3. Validate your teenager even if you don’t agree with everything they are saying. Having your teen feel heard is often more important than having them feel like you agree with what they are saying.
4. Do your best to communicate with your teenager during non-confrontational times. Having regular communication (perhaps at family dinners) will help them communicate effectively with you ongoing so that you are not only communicating during emotional times.
5. Pick your battles. Your teenager will test you with what they wear, their music and subjects they bring up just to name a few. Be thoughtful about the battles you want to fight and know that much of the time they are just testing the waters and trying to figure out who they are which will pass in a short period of time.
Go to Elite Life Coaching for additional parenting resources, to sign up for our newsletter and to get information on our coaching packages and specials!
2. Try not to take things personally. Often teens will say hurtful and mean things to parents which is not acceptable or okay in my opinion. Despite this, it is important that parents do not respond out of emotion. It is more helpful for parents to let their teen know how their words impacted them and that it is not acceptable during a non-emotional time rather than to try to tackle this issue when your teen is already upset and not listening to you. Using tip 10 can be effective at this point in an argument.
3. Validate your teenager even if you don’t agree with everything they are saying. Having your teen feel heard is often more important than having them feel like you agree with what they are saying.
4. Do your best to communicate with your teenager during non-confrontational times. Having regular communication (perhaps at family dinners) will help them communicate effectively with you ongoing so that you are not only communicating during emotional times.
5. Pick your battles. Your teenager will test you with what they wear, their music and subjects they bring up just to name a few. Be thoughtful about the battles you want to fight and know that much of the time they are just testing the waters and trying to figure out who they are which will pass in a short period of time.
Go to Elite Life Coaching for additional parenting resources, to sign up for our newsletter and to get information on our coaching packages and specials!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
5 More Tips To Reduce Arguing With Your Teen
Below are 5 additional tips to reduce arguing with your teenger:
1. Offer choices whenever possible and allow compromises when possible.
2. Accept that your teenager is not going to talk to you about everything. Pushing them to talk about topics which are uncomfortable or upsetting will often result in their lashing out at you. Obviously if you are concerned about their safety you will need to push them, however, if your interest in a certain topic is more out of curiosity, sometimes it is better to just leave the topic alone than to argue with them about it.
3. Regardless of how loud your teen is yelling, keep your voice low. Your teen will have to lower their own voice to hear you and in addition, just speaking softly can lower the tension in the room.
4. Try to use “I” statements rather than blaming statements. For example, you may say, “I get really worried about you when you don’t come home for your curfew” instead of “You keep messing up by coming in late for your curfew”. In both situations, you are letting them know it is unacceptable but it is harder for them to argue the “I” statement which is less blaming.
5. If your teenager is getting really out of control, tell them that you are ending the conversation for 10 minutes until everyone calms down some and then you will be willing to revisit the conversation (this may mean you need to go into the bathroom or go for a drive to allow for this break and to physically move from the situation).
Go to Elite Life Coaching for additional parenting resources, to sign up for our newsletter and to get information on our coaching packages and specials!
1. Offer choices whenever possible and allow compromises when possible.
2. Accept that your teenager is not going to talk to you about everything. Pushing them to talk about topics which are uncomfortable or upsetting will often result in their lashing out at you. Obviously if you are concerned about their safety you will need to push them, however, if your interest in a certain topic is more out of curiosity, sometimes it is better to just leave the topic alone than to argue with them about it.
3. Regardless of how loud your teen is yelling, keep your voice low. Your teen will have to lower their own voice to hear you and in addition, just speaking softly can lower the tension in the room.
4. Try to use “I” statements rather than blaming statements. For example, you may say, “I get really worried about you when you don’t come home for your curfew” instead of “You keep messing up by coming in late for your curfew”. In both situations, you are letting them know it is unacceptable but it is harder for them to argue the “I” statement which is less blaming.
5. If your teenager is getting really out of control, tell them that you are ending the conversation for 10 minutes until everyone calms down some and then you will be willing to revisit the conversation (this may mean you need to go into the bathroom or go for a drive to allow for this break and to physically move from the situation).
Go to Elite Life Coaching for additional parenting resources, to sign up for our newsletter and to get information on our coaching packages and specials!
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Things That May Push Your Teenager Away
While there is no right or wrong way to parent, there are some things that parents do that tend to push their teens away. These include:
1. Yelling and Screaming. This is often a natural reaction to situations your teenager may create, however, is generally not helpful and can quickly cause them to view you as the “bad guy” and resent you.
2. Saying you were right and they were wrong. Teens typically respond very poorly to this type of comment or lecture. As a parent, there will be many situations where you tell your teen what to do and they will chose not to listen to you which resulted in a negative outcome. This is normal and it is important that you try to trust that they will learn from thier mistakes more than they will from having you remind them that they were wrong.
3. Giving extreme consequences. Teenagers will become resentful if the consequences you give them are extreme in an effort to make a point. For example, if Susie returns 30 minutes late with the car an extreme consequence may be that she cannot drive the car for 6 months. The point will get lost in the outrageousness of the consequence. When giving consequences to teenagers, the consequences should be meaningful and time limited.
Go to Elite Life Coaching for additional parenting resources, to sign up for our newsletter and to get information on our coaching packages and specials!
1. Yelling and Screaming. This is often a natural reaction to situations your teenager may create, however, is generally not helpful and can quickly cause them to view you as the “bad guy” and resent you.
2. Saying you were right and they were wrong. Teens typically respond very poorly to this type of comment or lecture. As a parent, there will be many situations where you tell your teen what to do and they will chose not to listen to you which resulted in a negative outcome. This is normal and it is important that you try to trust that they will learn from thier mistakes more than they will from having you remind them that they were wrong.
3. Giving extreme consequences. Teenagers will become resentful if the consequences you give them are extreme in an effort to make a point. For example, if Susie returns 30 minutes late with the car an extreme consequence may be that she cannot drive the car for 6 months. The point will get lost in the outrageousness of the consequence. When giving consequences to teenagers, the consequences should be meaningful and time limited.
Go to Elite Life Coaching for additional parenting resources, to sign up for our newsletter and to get information on our coaching packages and specials!
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Nobody Wants To Hear "I Told You So"
Nobody ever wants to hear this phrase and teenagers are no exception. As a parent, you will likely have many “I told you so” moments. You will offer advice to your teenager, they will refuse your advice and then down the road the exact thing you predicted would happen...happens. It will be extremely tempting to use these situations as an opportunity to tell your teenager that they should listen to you more because you were right. While all of that is true, it is better to allow your teenager an opportunity to “save face” and not feel ashamed by the situation. They will know that your advice would have been worth taking but will likely never tell you this. Getting into a power struggle about who was right and who was wrong will likely only create resentment in your teenager. As a parent, you can continue to offer your suggestions and hope that over time your teenager will see that you do have something worthwhile to offer them!
Go to Elite Life Coaching for additional parenting resources, to sign up for our newsletter and to get information on our coaching packages and specials!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Don't Act Out Of Strong Emotion
This can be extremely difficult when your teenager pushes your buttons or makes a decision which is harmful or highly inappropriate. As a parent who cares deeply about their child, of course you are going to be emotional (angry, scared, disappointed, frustrated) when these things happen which is normal and not a problem at all. What does sometimes become a problem is when parents act out of these strong emotions. In these situations parents often times say things that they later regret, however, even with an apology, their teen who already has insecure and fragile self esteem will hang onto the emotional response which can damage the parent – teen relationship. It is better to take time to calm down, gather your thoughts (even write them down so that you remain on track when speaking with your teenager) and then speak with your teenager about the situation.
Go to Elite Life Coaching for additional parenting resources, to sign up for our newsletter and to get information on our coaching packages and specials!
Go to Elite Life Coaching for additional parenting resources, to sign up for our newsletter and to get information on our coaching packages and specials!
Monday, September 27, 2010
Take Time For Family
Some families find themselves so busy during the school year that week after week goes by and they can't even remember really spending any quality time together. Some of my clients have found it helpful to schedule in a night out of the week as "family night". This could be a Friday night or if possible, even a weekday night. On this night, families identify something they will do together as a family that is somewhat different than their typical routine. Maybe a "make your own pizza night" or some other special cooking night where all family members pitch in and cook as a team. Maybe a game night or a night where there is a TV show on that everyone enjoys. An hour or two weekly doing something special as a family can help keep everyone connected and can also help create a special tradition that your teens will always remember.
Go to Elite Life Coaching for additional parenting resources, to sign up for our newsletter and to get information on our coaching packages and specials!
Go to Elite Life Coaching for additional parenting resources, to sign up for our newsletter and to get information on our coaching packages and specials!
Friday, September 24, 2010
Don't Act Out Of Strong Emotion
This can be extremely difficult when your teenager pushes your buttons or makes a decision which is harmful or highly inappropriate. As a parent who cares deeply about their child, of course you are going to be emotional (angry, scared, disappointed, frustrated) when these things happen which is normal and not a problem at all. What does sometimes become a problem is when parents act out of these strong emotions. In these situations parents often times say things that they later regret, however, even with an apology, their teen who already has insecure and fragile self esteem will hang onto the emotional response which can damage the parent – teen relationship. It is better to take time to calm down, gather your thoughts (even write them down so that you remain on track when speaking with your teenager) and then speak with your teenager about the situation.
Go to Elite Life Coaching for additional parenting resources, to sign up for our newsletter and to get information on our coaching packages and specials!
Go to Elite Life Coaching for additional parenting resources, to sign up for our newsletter and to get information on our coaching packages and specials!
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