Teenage Dating: Questions To consider

One concern I have heard voiced by parents of teens who are beginning to date is how much freedom they should give their teenager and should they allow their teenager and their boyfriend / girlfriend to ever be alone. Both questions are tricky and somewhat specific to each family’s situation. Some things to keep in mind when making this decision in your situation are:

• Is my teenager generally responsible?
• Does my teenager generally make healthy decisions?
• Do I know at least a little about my teen’s boyfriend or girlfriend?
• Do I think my teenager will let me know if something is wrong?
• Does my teenager generally have good boundaries and decent self esteem?
• What parameters can I put in place to allow my teen a little freedom which can gradually increase as we feel this situation out further?

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Conflict Among Parents

Despite how difficult such situations are, it is critical that parents do not let their children witness their conflicts. I cannot tell you the number of children who I have seen for therapy who are emotionally damaged and extremely confused because their parents constantly argue and say negative, rude and disrespectful things about one another. I am not suggesting that it is easy to keep all of these emotions to oneself, however, these emotions should be shared with other adults or professionals and not with one’s children.


Some tips for parenting if you are a parent in this situation:

1. Speaking with the other parent: if you know that you become easily emotionally charged when speaking with your child’s other parent then it is important that you have these conversations when not in the presence of your child. It is never in a teenagers best interest to witness situations where parents become negative, yell, say negative things or become verbally abusive towards one another. The damage from this can last years and can even impact your child’s ability to form healthy, trusting relationships as an adult.

2. Feeling like the other parent is undermining what you are trying to do: often times in these situations a dynamic gets set up where there is a “good parent” and a “bad parent”. Generally the “good parent” lets their teenager do what they want and does not have a lot of rules or consequences while the “bad parent” attempts to maintain rules and structure for their teenager. In these situations, it is really important that both parents figure out a way to come to SOME agreement about rules and expectations. Sometimes this can be done through a third party (therapist, friend, etc) which can eliminate conflict – what is important though is that it is done. When going through this process, pick the things that really matter and allow yourself to let some other things go. For example: it would be important for parents to agree that their teen must be getting passing grades and send this message consistently to their teenager while it may be okay for parents to not agree on how neat their teenager needs to keep their room in each of their homes if they are living separately.
3. Feeling like your teenager should know what the other parent is doing or did: parents often feel like it is important for their teenager to know that the other parent only visits with them because they are mandated to do so or that they are not paying what they are supposed to be paying each month. In some situations, parents feel like they need to tell their teenager all the awful things that the other parent did to them. In these situations, who is really benefiting from your telling your teenager these things? Usually, it is the parent who is benefiting because they are reacting to strong, negative emotions they are feeling. What I have found over the years is that in the end, teenagers and young adults know what is going on and ultimately know which parent is consistent and which one is not. In addition, I have found that teenagers become very resentful of parents who bad mouth one another (even if what is being said is true) because it causes them a lot of confusion and feelings of betrayal by both parents. Teenagers will figure this out over time and will be much better off if they see that their two parents are able to be civil and respectful of one another while in their presence.

Of course if you ever truly believe someone is doing something that harmful, illegal or significantly damaging to your child you should take immediate steps to make sure your child is safe.

Single Parents Of Teenagers

While being the single parent of a teenager can be very challenging, there are some fairly simple steps you can take to help reduce the overall stress.


1. Make sure you take time for yourself.
It is very easy to get caught up in all the demands of work, family, appointments, etc. but it is critical that you take time EACH week for yourself. Whether taking walks, a warm bath, having a favorite hobby or going out for dinner with a friend, you need some time for yourself where you are not responsible for the needs of others.

2. Schedule a time to discuss bigger issues / decisions with your teenager.
This can help the “on the fly” demands that your teenager may place on you. I have worked with parents who have found it helpful to schedule one or two times per week where they are available to just focus on talking with their teens. This could be over dinner, while going for a walk or while driving to a schedule appointment. I have also had parents tell me they have their teenager email or text message them if they need to talk so that they can set up a time later in the day that is convenient for both (this is a sign of the times!). This allows for the conversation to take place when they can be fully focused on their teenager’s needs.

3. Allow other adults into your teenager’s life.
All parents, but particularly single parents, should welcome appropriate adults into their teenager’s lives. This should not been seen as a weakness or as a sign that a parent cannot do “their job” effectively. Teens benefit from different perspectives and from learning from different adults. Allowing other adults (a coach, neighbor, Aunt, Uncle, older cousin, etc) to play a role in your teenagers life not only takes some of the burden off you but also allows them to have a richer experience in general. You will always still be the parent and make the final decisions!

4. Have your own support network.
Nobody can do everything on their own. As a single parent, it is important that you have your own support network. As a parent, you don’t want to burden your children with your fears or worries but you do need some outlet for yourself. Using extended family, friends or other single parents for support and advice is invaluable and can really help reduce your overall stress. Being socially connected to others has many positive benefits for all adults and can be especially helpful during the unpredictable teenager years.

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Parenting Your Teen: The Consultant Parent

The Consultant Parent


A normal part of adolescent development is the shift from thinking in a very concrete manner to being able to think abstractly. Because there is significant development going on in the adolescent brain, it is a critical time to help shape behavior patterns and overall brain wiring. This change in thinking is one of the reasons why parents begin to notice that their teenagers start to question or resist things that were never questioned by them before.

Consultant Parents ask questions and offer choices to their teenagers whenever possible. The goal is to have teens engage in the decision making process when possible and in a safe manner so that they can learn and build upon decision making skills. Parents who are in a consultant role use “I” statements instead of “You” statements. For example, “I am wondering what you would think would be a reasonable curfew on a school night when there is an exam tomorrow” instead of “You will stay in and study since you are not getting good enough grades”. In addition to using “I” statements, consultants ask a lot of questions (not accusatory questions but rather curious questions) which foster thinking more than lectures will ever do.

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Parenting Your Teen: Are You Too Relaxed?

The Laissez-Faire Parent


This is not technically a parenting style, however, it is something I have seen often enough that it was worth mentioning. “Laissez-Faire Parents” are hands off with their teenagers and generally allow their teens to do whatever they wish to do. These are parents who may act like they are best friends with their teenager. This type of parenting can evolve from a parent’s need to feel well liked and loved by their teenager, out of guilt because they are always working or busy with other things, out of frustration and “giving up” or out of necessity due to emotional or substance abuse problems on the part of the parent. Teens are not able to make all their own decisions and not having guidance from parents ongoing can lead to the development of very poor decision making skills and potentially serious or dangerous consequences for these decisions.

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Parenting Your Teen: Are You A Drill Sergeant Parent?

Drill Sergeant Parents


If you think about the role of a drill sergeant, it is to give orders and tell others what to do and to punish those who do not follow exact orders. This is what “Drill Sergeant Parents” do with their teenagers. Drill Sergeant Parents believe that the more they discipline and control their teenagers, the better their children will turn out.

Teenagers of Drill Sergeant Parents never learn how to make their own decisions because their decisions are made for them in a demanding and sometimes very controlling manner. Punishment is often used for failure to follow expectations which, in teens, does not typically promote thoughtful reflection – it promotes resentment. Teenagers of Drill Sergeant Parents are not taught how to express themselves appropriately (because they are not given a chance) and never really learn about decision making or consequences for poor decisions because their parents control those aspects or their lives.

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Parenting Your Teen: Are You A Helicopter Parent

Helicopter Parents


If you think about the role of a helicopter it is to hover, watch, protect and rescue. This is what “Helicopter Parents” do with their teenagers. On the surface Helicopter Parents appear to be very involved and supportive of their teenagers, however, what ends up happening is that they do so much for their teenager that their teenagers don’t get to experience real life, worry, pain or consequences because their parents are jumping in and protecting them when difficult situations arise.

Helicopter Parents are very afraid of their children failing so they rescue them out of worry, guilt or because they want to be needed by their children. These parents are genuinely concerned and love their children, however, they prevent their children from becoming responsible because they are always there as a safety net. Parents who continue to drive their teenagers to school when they repeatedly wake up late and miss the bus or who continue to give their teenagers extra money when they overspend their allowance or money from a part time job are considered Helicopter Parents.

The teens of these parents never learn what it is like to have to make up for their mistakes or experience discomfort because they made poor decisions. The bigger problem arises when the “helicopter” is no longer in their lives and all of the sudden they are adults who have no concept of what it means to be truly responsible for themselves.

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Is Your Teen Embarrassed By You?

Many parents feel hurt because their teens, who used to idolize them and want to be around them, now do everything they can to avoid being sen by their parents.  As many know, this is a normal teenage behavior and is developmental - meaning that most teenagers grow out of this upon reaching adulthood if not before. 

The following are a few helpful tips for parents who are feeling like their teenager is embarrassed of them:


1. Don’t take it personally. It is a phase that teens go through and the majority of children begin seeking the companionship of their parents again in their early to mid 20’s. Many adult children consider their parents their best friends.

2. Don’t try to explain yourself or prove yourself as “cool”. It is not worth it and remember – it is likely not about anything specific you are doing. Not trying to justify yourself will save you from further frustration.

3. Check to make sure you are not actually doing anything embarrassing to your teenager – especially in front of friends. If you find that you are (telling stories about them, babying them in front of friends, etc) you may want to think about changing what you are doing. Even though it is likely harmless, remember that teenagers are extremely sensitive and insecure and can be devastated by such situations.


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5 FINAL Tips for Reducing Arguing With Your Teenager

1.  Remain sitting if at all possible when your teen is arguing with you – this will help them feel less threatened and view you as being calmer which may work to help them calm down as well.


2.  Try not to take things personally. Often teens will say hurtful and mean things to parents which is not acceptable or okay in my opinion. Despite this, it is important that parents do not respond out of emotion. It is more helpful for parents to let their teen know how their words impacted them and that it is not acceptable during a non-emotional time rather than to try to tackle this issue when your teen is already upset and not listening to you. Using tip 10 can be effective at this point in an argument.

3.  Validate your teenager even if you don’t agree with everything they are saying. Having your teen feel heard is often more important than having them feel like you agree with what they are saying.

4.   Do your best to communicate with your teenager during non-confrontational times. Having regular communication (perhaps at family dinners) will help them communicate effectively with you ongoing so that you are not only communicating during emotional times.
5.  Pick your battles. Your teenager will test you with what they wear, their music and subjects they bring up just to name a few. Be thoughtful about the battles you want to fight and know that much of the time they are just testing the waters and trying to figure out who they are which will pass in a short period of time.

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Teenage Tips For Safety On The Internet And With Social Media

As we all know, technology is a wonderful thing but can also be dangerous when users are not informed.  As a parent, it is critical that you offer your teenager education on the dangers associated with using technology.  Below are some tips for parents of teenagers:
1. Educate your teen about the permanency of their messages and photos. Make sure your teenagers know that their messages never go away (even when deleted) and that they can come back and haunt them in the near or distant future so that they are more likely to think about what they are sending before actually sending it. Make sure that they are aware that messages can be forwarded to many, many people and remind them not to say anything that could come back to haunt them.  Photos can also be cut and pasted from your teen's site and used on other site that individuals create.

2. Remind your teen to not open links or attachments unless they know who they are from. Often times these contain pornographic photos or content or could generate junk emails or inappropriate emails to their account.
3. Randomly check who your teen is communicating with. In most instances, parents have purchased or are paying for their teenager’s computers or phones so they absolutely have a right to be checking them. At least 1/3 of teens report that their parent would not approve of all that they are doing online. If they are using their computer or phone inappropriately then, as the parent, you should take it away until they can adhere to your expectations.

4. Put your computer in a public place if possible. Doing this will automatically increase your ability to supervise your teenagers email and IM activity.

5. Set clear expectations and follow through. Be very clear with your teenager about what they can and cannot do with their computer and/or phone and about what your oversight will be. They may tell you that you don’t understand and that nobody else has restrictions on their computer use, however, you have every right to set up clear rules and guidelines for your teenager. Some parents restrict use until homework is done, take away certain features if grades fall (i.e. no text messaging on their phone) or set expectations that their teenager not erase any history on their phone or computer so that it can be checked regularly.

6. Educate your teenager about not sharing personal information with people they do not know. Make sure your teen knows never to share their address or detailed information about themselves with people they do not know. In addition, make sure they do not share any information related to your finances, banking information, etc. which could result in identify theft.
7. Let them know you are there. Let your teenager know that they can come to you if they are worried or have questions about anything. Many times teens won’t seek support and will get themselves into more trouble because they are afraid to let someone know what is happening. Reminding them that you are there to help and support them may make a difference should a time arise when they are scared or worried and really need your support.


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Communication: Using "Active Listening" With Your Teenager

Using Active Listening with them will increase the chances they will use it with you! By actively listening you are letting your teenager know that you are interested in what they have to say and that they are important. In order to do this, you should stop doing anything else that you are doing and focus on your teenager. You should really listen to what they are saying and not be thinking about your response to them or thinking about what is for dinner. They will know the difference and will know when you have truly turned into what they are saying. By modeling this skill for them they will feel important and may also learn how to use active listening themselves.



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Improve Communication With "Door Openers"

“Door Openers" versus“Door Slammers”:  Door Openers are phrases and words which are open ended and allow your teenager to share their thoughts and feelings on a subject.  For example:  “Do you want to talk about it?”, “What do you think about this?”, “I think you may be able to help us out with this, what are your ideas?”  These phrases let your teen know you value what they think and does not send them the message that you are trying to control them.  Door Slammers are phrases and words that shut down conversations and make teenagers feel powerless or unimportant.  For example:  “That is none of your business”, “I don’t care what your friends are able to do”, “Don’t come crying to me when you mess this up”, “We are not going to talk about this again”.  These phrases and words generally come out during times of frustration (and are very normal so don’t feel bad if you have used them) but generally create more tension and frustration for teens who are already feeling confused and powerless in their lives. 
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Things That May Push Your Teenager Away

While there is no right or wrong way to parent, there are some things that parents do that tend to push their teens away.  These include:


1. Yelling and Screaming. This is often a natural reaction to situations your teenager may create, however, is generally not helpful and can quickly cause them to view you as the “bad guy” and resent you.

2. Saying you were right and they were wrong. Teens typically respond very poorly to this type of comment or lecture.  As a parent, there will be many situations where you tell your teen what to do and they will chose not to listen to you which resulted in a negative outcome.  This is normal and it is important that you try to trust that they will learn from thier mistakes more than they will from having you remind them that they were wrong.

3. Giving extreme consequences. Teenagers will become resentful if the consequences you give them are extreme in an effort to make a point. For example, if Susie returns 30 minutes late with the car an extreme consequence may be that she cannot drive the car for 6 months. The point will get lost in the outrageousness of the consequence. When giving consequences to teenagers, the consequences should be meaningful and time limited.


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Teenage Boys - Why Do They Pull Away

Do you lack communication with your male teenager?  Do you feel like they live in their room and you hardly see them let alone know anything that is going on in their life?  Are they constantly out with friends yet you have no idea who these friend are, who their families are or what they do when they spend time together?  Do they decline your offers to spend time doing family things?  If any or all of these scenarios apply to your son, you have a pretty typical teenage boy. 

• The first and strongest reason for boys behaving in this way is that they are working towards achieving independence and in order to do this, they need to separate from you, who they have depended on for so many years of their life.  They do not know how to do this thoughtfully or gracefully (or may not even really realize they are doing it) so they just isolate from you as a way of not feeling so dependent on you.
• Secondly, it is normal for boys to be embarrassed about changes going on as their bodies mature. Boys also experience an increase in sexualized feelings which can be overwhelming and not something they want to discuss with their parents.
• Finally, it is very normal during adolescence for friends to become more important than parents or other family members. This is not a negative reflection on the family but rather a shift from seeing the family as the center of the world to really wanting to discover the larger world that is out there as a way of establishing independence.   

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Emotional Dysregulation In Teenage Girls

Emotional dysregulation takes place when the response of an individual does not appear to be “appropriate” for a particular situation.  This often looks like an “over reaction” to a situation or a prolonged emotional response to a situation.  Emotional dysregulation is not uncommon for adolescent girls and generally plays out in the safety of the home which results in you, as the parent, more often than not being on the receiving end of it. 

Some techniques to try when your teenage daughter appears very emotional:


1. Validation: let your daughter know that you understand she is upset (even if you don’t understand why) and that you know it must be difficult for her to be that upset.
2. Remain calm: this can be very difficult – Speaking in an even, calm voice often results in the other person lowering their voice and calming down.

3. Take space: if you feel yourself ready to blow, there is no reason why you cannot take space for yourself.
4. Don’t feel you have to defend yourself: your teenage daughter may accuse you of things that are not true, say things that are hurtful or exaggerate situations. As the parent, you do not need to help them rationalize these things during an emotional moment.  If you feel it is important to explain yourself (and often times it is not) then it is better to wait and do this during a time when emotions are under control.

5. Teach your daughter calming techniques during non emotional times: it is often helpful for parents to talk to their daughters about ways of remaining calmer during times when things are going well.

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Don't Act Out Of Strong Emotion

This can be extremely difficult when your teenager pushes your buttons or makes a decision which is harmful or highly inappropriate. As a parent who cares deeply about their child, of course you are going to be emotional (angry, scared, disappointed, frustrated) when these things happen which is normal and not a problem at all. What does sometimes become a problem is when parents act out of these strong emotions. In these situations parents often times say things that they later regret, however, even with an apology, their teen who already has insecure and fragile self esteem will hang onto the emotional response which can damage the parent – teen relationship. It is better to take time to calm down, gather your thoughts (even write them down so that you remain on track when speaking with your teenager) and then speak with your teenager about the situation.


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Parenting Teens Is Not Easy

Remember…you are doing this without a guidebook, rulebook or instructional manual and there will be some trial and error. This is normal so don’t be too hard on yourself! What is important is that if something does not seem to be working that you acknowledge it and work to make improvements whether on your own or with the support of others.

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What If I Don't "Like" My Teen?

Do you ever feel like you don’t “like” your teenager? If so, you likely also feel very guilty for even thinking like this. If you have had or are having this thought, you are not alone. When parents feel that they do not “like” their teens it is because they are overwhelmed, frustrated and feel disrespected. Generally parents in this situation love their teens very much which is what causes the strong emotions to arise. As a parent, you want what is best for your teenager and when you see them living in opposition to your values and rules, it can cause you to really not want to be around them or to have a lot of anger towards them. If you are feeling like this, try sitting down and making a list of the things you like about them and the things they are doing that you don’t like. This will help put things in perspective and will remind you that what you don’t like is their behaviors rather than their whole being. Reframing your feelings and understanding that you don’t like their behaviors (rather than not liking them as a person) can help with your overall frustration level and can eliminate the guilt you may be feeling if having negative emotions towards your teen.

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Don't Sweat The Small Stuff

Don’t sweat the small stuff. If you notice that it seems like you are fighting with your teen constantly, it may be because you are so frustrated with your teen that you are critical or disapproving of almost everything they do. In a calm moment, think about what things you argue about that you can let go for now in an effort to decrease the overall tension and conflict in your house. For example, you likely want to stand firm with your rules about curfew but maybe can let go of arguing about whether they make their bed every day. Try thinking about this for a bit and see what you can come up with.

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Teens and Summer

Summer vacation can be stressful – especially in the hot weather when everyone becomes a little more “cranky”. Parents often struggle with what to do with their teenagers because they don’t want them sitting around the house all summer watching TV or playing video games but also don’t want them out without any structure. Try to help them create a balance and help build in some structure for them. Try to schedule times when they should be out being active – either at a gym (many have summer memberships), as part of a sporting league, with neighborhood friends, or even with you going for a walk or riding bikes. Encourage that they do some sort of physical activity regularly. Physical activity is the best medicine for improving negative moods and for staying fit mentally and physically. Also – try to periodically plan special things you can do as a family – go to a beach, a pool, a park, to visit with relatives, etc. Try to plan some family field trips to offer them some variety in their schedules as well as to allow for positive time together. Finally, know that it is normal for teens to want to sleep, to get lost in TV or video games or to just want to “hang out” sometime and that this is fine – you should just keep an eye on their overall balance to make sure that they are getting enough social interaction and physical activity.

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